I just realized that mother's day is just round the corner. Well, I am not used to celebrating mother's day. My mom passed away when I was 5years old. I don't have much recollection of my life with her. Partly I was too small when I was staying with her. When I was 4 and half, she shipped me back to my grandparents to attend kindergarten. So, I stayed with my grandparents in Penang while she stayed with my dad in Kuala Selangor. I don't really remember when she came back to stay with my grandparents & me. But she was getting sicker. I remembered the last Eid with her. She was feeling sick but she really wanted to eat Padang Brown's Mee Rebus. Grandma made a fuss saying no stall is opened for biz since it's Eid. Dad, being a very devoted husband ignored grandma & took my mom & me to Padang Brown to check out if any stalls were opened. We were in luck. Some stall were opened. I'm glad my mom got to eat her favorite Mee Rebus before she got very, very sick.
The next thing I remember, she was already admitted to Penang General Hospital. Both her kidneys were damaged since she was small. SO, she knew she wouldn't live long. Back in 1974, there was no hemodialysis treatment don't talk about kidney transplant. So, she was on meds to ease her pain & discomfort & to allow her to urinate. The meds were about RM1.50 a tablet (in 1974). So, I don't know what is the equivalent now. And she needed 3 tablets daily. Dad was still working in Kuala Selangor as Lighthouse Keeper. He had already put in for transfer back to Penang but the process is not immediate. We my mom got very sick, I was sent to stay with my paternal grandmom as my aunts can hep look after me. Both my grandmothers would alternate to care for my mom at the hospital.
Some relatives or family friends would take me go visit my mom. I don't really remember any conversation with my mom. But the thing I can't forget was the smell of meds when I was near her.
On Nov 28, 1974 the doctors gave up and let my mom to be brought home. By that time, dad was already back in Penang on emergency leave. I was still at my paternal grandma's house. Early morning on Nov 29, 1974 my mom breathed her last breath and passed away peacefully at a very young age of 27. Leaving behind a husband & a 5 year old daughter.
My grandmother was devastated. She always thought my mom would outlive her & would take care of her in her old age. She knew my mom was sick but she just didn't want to accept that my mom was very sick.
When my mom married my dad, doctors advised her against having any children. But being very stubborn, she when ahead & had me. For that, I am very grateful for. If she hadn't beat the odds & not have me, I wouldn't be here today on this earth.
TQ MAMA for your sacrifice. The only way for me to thank you is by remembering you in my prayers. May Allah bless your soul always.
I missed you, still miss you & will always miss you. InsyaAllah, we will meet again in Jannah. Amin ya rabbal 'alamin.
Wow, its been ages since I last wrote. A lot has happened since. I quit my job to be a full time mom. Recently, decided to become a Unit Trust Consultant. I just didn't want to get a full time job where I have to clock-in at 8am & leave (if I'm lucky) at 5.30pm.
Being a unit trust consultant is really new experience for me. Well, selling unit trust doesn't have anything to do with Mechanical Engineering. hahaha. But I really love what I'm doing now. I control the work, now vice versa. I get to send my kids to school. The most satisfying feeling is seeing my daughter ran up to me when I go fetch her from school. Her smile & excited face is worth billions. No amount of money can top that.
I might not have as much money as before (when I had a full time job) but I have minimum stress. I can arrange my time to do things that I want to do. I can just sleep if I don't feel like doing anything.
My deepest gratitude goes to my darling hubby who understood me & let me quit my job. Luv ya babe.
We make a great team, don't we?
OK, that's all for now after over a year neglecting my blog. Enjoy your Sunday & may God bless you all.
It is late. The nite is so dark. Not a single star in the pitch black sky. It started to drizzle. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Who can it be at this hour? I hurried to the door. I hesitate to open it. Just then, there was a voice outside the door calling my name “Lily, open up!” That sounds like Marina. “Hold your horses, I’m coming”. I opened the door. There stood Marina looking furious. I’ve never seen her so angry. “What’s with you?” I asked. She ignored me, walked past me towards the kitchen. She rummaged thru the fridge, but decided to settle for a can of soft drink. She sat down on the sofa & turned on the TV. I asked her again. “What’s up?” Marina put down her drink on the coffee table. She seemed not satisfied with something. “I really hate how he openly shows his affection for his wife in front of me. Who does he thinks she is. I need to make sure they break up. I do not want to share him with anyone else, not his wife nor his children. I will make sure I am the only one for him.” “Marina! Are you out of your mind? It is sinful to break-up marriages. I told you not to mess with married men. But NO, you will not listen to me. You said I was jealous coz Harris likes you” ‘I don’t care. I want Harris for myself. I will find a way to break them up subtly. I will make Harris hates her or she leaves him. Then only I will be satisfied”. No words will change Marina’s mind at this time. She is too obsessed with Harris. I just pity Harris’ wife & children. Marina is my friend but sometimes she can be selfish and mean. Marina grew up without the love of her father. Her parents split when she was still a baby. Both remarried and Marina ended up staying with her Aunt. She is always going after older men who reminds her of her father. In the process, she has hurt a lot of people – wives & children. I have tried advising her that what she has done is wrong but she won’t listen to anyone. I even tried asking her mother to talk to her. Her mother just couldn’t do anything coz Marina doesn’t listen to her as well. “What crazy scheme are you thinking of this time? I don’t like it Marina. You have to stop doing this to other women. Just because you had a lousy childhood, doesn’t give you the rights to take away other people’s happiness. What did Harris say?” “Harris wants to marry me but he will not divorce his wife. I DO NOT want to share him. I want him all to myself. But I can’t ask him to divorce her coz he loves her too much. Now, I will just play along. Pretend to like her and when there is any opportunity, I will use it to create friction between them. Eventually, he will grow tired of her & leave her. Or if she cannot bear to live with him anymore, she will asked to be released. However it is, I must make sure that split up” “Marina, you are crazy. This is wrong. I know you too well. How long can you last with Harris? You will eventually grow tired of him like the others before him. By the time he realizes this, he would have broken the hearts of his wife & children, thanks to you. Please think of Allah. Allah is very fair. You may get away in this world, but you cannot escape during judgement day. Think about it, Marina. “Lily, I don’t care. I want Harris & that is it. I do not want to share so he will have to choose me or her. If he chooses her, I will just find another guy. No big deal. I am after all, the hottest chick in town”. She lets out an evil laugh. “Marina, that is not true love.” “Well, I never said I really love Harris. I just want him. If I play my cards right, Harris will do anything for me, including ditching his old wife & kids. I will also make sure he doesn’t give them any money. I have my lifestyle to maintain.” “Marina, this is very wrong” “Lily, if you want to continue give me a sermon, I’m going home. I’m here because you are my friend & I thought you would understand” “Marina, you are insane. I cannot condone such behavior. Yes, you are my friend but I do not agree what you are doing to Harris and his family. Allah will punish you one day.” “I’m leaving. I’m not listening to your sermon anymore” “Suit yourself. You are still my friend & you are still welcomed to my house. But I do not have to agree with what you are doing. It is my responsibility as a fellow Muslim to advice you even though you may not listen to anything I say to you.” “Bye Lily. See ya at work on Monday’ I closed the door behind Marina. She is behaving crazy again. It is too damn difficult to reason with her. She can be very selfish, inconsiderate, mean & insensitive. I have tried so many times to advice her. But she never listens to me. She doesn’t listen to anyone. I pray that she doesn’t carry on her evil plans. But if she really does, I pray that Allah give Harris, his wife and children the strength, courage & perseverance to withstand this test on them. Harris is a nice guy. He loves his wife very much, but he has a weakness when it comes to a pretty face. Marina is not drop dead gorgeous but she sure has the necessary assets to turn men’s heads. TO BE CONTINUED
I quickly sort thru all things that I need to settle before I leave. I don’t feel like working from home later. I arrived at the airport arrival hall exactly at 5pm. Dad’s flight just landed. Great. I don’t have to wait long like last time. While waiting for my dad, somebody from work called. I was talking on the phone when I spotted dad walking towards me. I ended the call and walk to greet dad. As I hug & kiss dad, I noticed there is a man standing behind dad as if waiting for something. Then, Dad turned to the mysterious man to introduce him to me. At that moment, I saw his face. OH, MY GOD!!!!!. I almost jumped out of my skin of the shock. OH MY GOD. He looks exactly like the man in my dream. OH MY GOD. Is this for real???? “Sarah, this is Johan. Johan is Paul’s friend. Paul asked if we can show Johan around since this is his 1st visit here.” Paul is dad’s cousin. I was still stunned from the shock that how much Johan resembles Jay. OH MY GOD. “Hello Sarah, it a pleasure to meet you. Your father has told me so much about you. I hope I won’t be too much trouble. I wanted to stay at the E Hotel but you dad insisted that I stay with you guys. Thank you again.” OH MY GOD, he even sounds the same. After clearing my throat, “Err, nice to meet you too Johan. It’s not a problem. Any friend of Paul is a friend of ours.” Friend? I almost want to jump him & kiss him. OH MY GOD. What else can I say? On the way home from the airport, dad was busy talking to Joe (as he prefers to be called). Thank God coz I wouldn’t know what to say to him. We reached home. Dad happily showed Joe to the guest room & gave him a tour of our home. I went into my room to compose myself. OH MY GOD. I still can’t stop feeling amaze at the resemblance. Suddenly there was knock on my door. “Sarah?” It was dad. I open the door. “Yes, Dad?” ‘”Let’s take Johan to dinner. Unless, you feel like cooking.” Me, cook. No way. I’m not scaring him away with my cooking. “Dad, I’m too tired to cook. Let’s go out for dinner. We can go to G Drive. Lots of choices there.” “OK, we’ll leave at 7pm. I’ll go tell Joe”. Dad left me to find Joe. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. I’m going dinner with him. Well, Dad will be there too. I quickly showered put on a pair of jeans and a turquoise shirt. Ok, that’ll do. I do not want to over dress. After all, he is Paul’s friend and he might be married. I pray to God he’s not. Then, there’s a knock on the door. “Sarah, are you ready to go?” I opened the door, “Yes Dad, I’m ready. Are you driving or you want me to drive? “I’ll drive” said Dad. Dad insisted Johan sits upfront with him so that they can chat while he drives. Great chance for me to check him out from the back. Johan smells so good. He’s driving me crazy. His face is cleaned shaved. His hair is black, thick & wavy. Oh, how I long to run my fingers thru his hair & give him a long deep kiss. Get a grip, Sarah. I decided to join their conversation. “Hey Joe, why didn’t you bring your wife along on this trip? I’m sure she’ll have fun over here”. Johan turned to face me “Sarah, I’m still single. Haven’t found the right girl yet.” Then he gave me the most beautiful smile. OH MY GOD, he is SINGLE and AVAILABLE. YIPEEEEE. Is God answering prayers? Seems like it. Is Joe my Jay? I hope so. Will he like me? I don’t know. I hope so coz I am already head over heels in love with him.
Carol & I grabbed some sandwiches & fruits for dinner after we left E Hotel. I reached home about 9pm. I’m beat. Had a quick hot shower & climbed into bed. Turned on the TV & found P.Ramlee classic movie on – Ahmad Albab. Cool. I love all P.Ramlee movies. I almost dozed off when an incoming text message sounded on my cell phone surprised me. Arghh, it’s Aaron. The last person I wanted to hear from. I don’t even want to read his text message. “Sweet heart, please forgive me. I know I hurt you. Please give me another chance”. Ya, right. After all the spiteful, mean, insulting words he said to me, he got the nerve to ask me back. Does he think I don’t have any feelings? He hurt me beyond repair. I now understand when Michael told me several years back that the reason he divorced his wife was he just didn’t love her anymore. I didn’t think it was possible. I always thought Michael was yanking my chain. But now, I am experiencing the same feelings. Whatever love I felt for Aaron before is gone now. I cannot live with somebody I don’t love. I should change my cell phone #. I don’t ever want to see him or hear from him again. This is not the 1st time he cheated on me. I doubt he can ever stop. Even if he leaves her, he will just fall for another woman sooner or later. I tossed the cell phone onto the nite stand beside my bed. Turned off the TV & went to sleep. The only time I am happy is in my sleep. Hope to see my wonderful Jay again tonite.
“Good morning, Sarah”, greeted JK at the pantry. “Hi”, was all I managed to say. “You look terrible”, said JK. “I know”. “Hey, take care”, said JK as he’s leaving the pantry. Work as usual, no major incidences, no crazy meetings & no disgruntled customers . Thank God. Don’t think I can take any havoc today. Just after lunch, my cell phone rang. It’s my dad asking me if I’m picking him up at the airport later. Gosh, I completely forgot. I thought he’s coming back from JB tomorrow. Dad went down to JB & Singapore to visit his uncles. He confirmed his flight will not be delayed. So, he’ll be arriving at 5pm.
I grabbed my cell phone & wallet and followed Carol. “So, where to?” asked Carol. “Let’s go to QB. Lots of eating places to choose. Since I’m paying, you pick the place”. “Got limit or not? hehehe” asked Carol jokingly. I let out a chuckle & smiled “All you can eat today. My treat.” As Carol drove us to QB, I just lay back & try to close my eyes. How I miss him. Every time I close my eyes, I can see him. He’s walking towards me with his arms open wide. I ran into his arms. He kisses me & holds me close to him. I can almost smell the sweet, intoxicating smell of his body. Then, I was rudely awaken by Carol’s voice “Sarah, are you OK? Are you sick or just plain angau? So, who’s the guy? You cannot keep any secrets from me, okay”. How can I explain to Carol that the love of my life appears only in my dreams. I have never felt like this before. I love him so much that it hurts. I want so much for him to be real. Oh God. What is happening to me, what is wrong with me? “Sarah, did you hear me? Confirm angau la like this”. “OK, who’s the guy? You don ‘t have to belanja me if you just tell me who is he”. “Let’s get something to eat first, I’m hungry.” I open the car door and walk out. Carol quickly got out of the car, locks it & chase after me. “Sarah!” Carol called out to me. I know I’m driving her crazy. As we walk through QB, deciding where to have lunch, I manage to distract Carol to other topics. We decided to have lunch at TGI Friday. Good, not many people here today. We decided to order only 1 set lunch including desserts and share. Quite big serving, so definitely enough for both of us. While waiting for the food to be served, Carol just couldn’t contained herself anymore. “OK, Sarahl. Out with it. Who’s the guy? I’ve never seen you like this before” “Carol, it not so easy to explain”. “Sarah, is he a married man? Please la, don’t mess with married men. They are not worth it. You’ll just get hurt.” “It would be easier if he is a married man. “ I finally opened up to Carol & told her everything about him. For the first time, Carol is speechless . Knowing Carol, that’s a torture for her. Well, my good friend is a natural born chatterbox. Our food came, so I managed to sway our conversation away from ‘Jay’. Well, I decided to give him a name. We finished our lunch & head back to office. Work kept us busy the rest of the afternoon. Carol ping me on the communicator. “What are you doing after work?” “No plans. Why” “Let’s go to the spa at E Hotel” “Good idea. I needed that. What time are we going?” “Let’s leave about 630pm.” “OK”
I opened my eyes & turned to my right. "Sayang, where are you?" Oh no, it was just a dream. A dream so real that I do not want to wake up. He has been appearing in my dreams every nite for the past 2 months. But who is he? In my dreams, he is the love of my life. He is the most wonderful, loving, caring & sincere person. Mr Perfect - only exist in a dream. Oh, how I wish that he is real.
I forced myself out of bed, hit the showers & get ready for work. In front of the mirror, I can imagine him standing beside me with the most beatiful & loving smile. Oh no. I'm in love with the man in my dreams.
Left for the office, tuned in to FlyFM as always for the Pagi Show with Nadia, Ben & Pheabs. They sure know how perk me up in the morning. Arrived at the office, check emails. Good, no meetings today. Head down to the cafeteria for breakfast. Cool, roti jalan & chicken+potato curry. No coffee for me. I'm on a 1 cup of coffee per month goal. Plain warm water is good enough. Finish up the roti jala quickly & walk back to my cubicle.
Busy with work didn't realized that my lunch buddy was standing infront of my cubicle. "Hey, I thought we are going out for lunch today. You said u want to belanja me. Let's go". "Alamak, noon already ka? OK, OK, Give my 5mins. Let me send this email out 1st. You drive OK. I'm still sleepy"